[Tutor] [Fwd: #074 Hummer]
kirk 'Deliberatus' Bailey
idiot1@netzero.net
Mon, 27 May 2002 00:51:31 -0400
Gents, the lead article is why I am forwarding this yo y'all; this
is a sample of government foolishness at it's worst.
WE ARE CRIMINALS NOW.
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: #074 Hummer
Date: Sun, 26 May 2002 23:59:56 EDT
From: StuLucas@aol.com
To: StuLucas@aol.com
#074 [Truth remains funnier than fiction, hence the recent crop of
JarryL's (MA) Bonehead Awards (the first with redeeming merit.
USians take note/action)]
.........................................
Wouldn't it be really stupid if the U.S Patent and Trademark
office awarded someone a patent which says that using text
and graphics on a commercial website is a new and unique use
and that any company that has text and graphics on their
website should now pay a licensing fee?
And wouldn't it be just as stupid if they awarded a patent to
someone which says that using a website to conduct business
is a new use and that websites should now start paying
licensing fees to do this?
I've got bad news for my fellow Americans. Your government
IS this stupid.
The U.S. Patent and Trademark office has awarded patents
5,576,951 and 6,289,319 to PanIP Corporation giving them
these exclusive rights.
And PanIP has not wasted any time filing lawsuits against
11 small companies to set a precedent from which to launch
other suits. PanIP wants $30,000 from each site, something
considered by these sites to be extortion.
According to so others do not get burdened. Our hero
"DICKSON SUPPLY CO INC" (http://www.dicksonsupply.com ).
is one of the unfortunate companies named in the suit, a
protracted patent battle would cost them about $1 million
so from a business perspective it would be cheaper to pay
the $30,000. But PanIP picked the wrong company. Dickson
feels they have an obligation to society to bury these patents
and will fight PanIP in court. They are trying to pool legal
resources with the other 10 named companies in the suit.
Are you fed up with this stuff? Spread the word and if you
are an American, contact your government representatives.
PanIP pulled their website, probably to avoid hearing from
enraged people.
You can get more information about the lawsuits from
http://panipcase.homeip.net
------------------------------------
Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead
award goes to accused carjacker Amandeo Salguero of
Albuquerque, NM, who called the victim to ask how to hook
up the car's stereo amplifier, according to police who got
Salguero's phone number from the caller ID display and found
that he lived across the street from the man he stole the car from.
(http://shorterlink.com/?KMZF4J
-------------------------------------------------
A good thing or is it government going too far?
A woman in the UK was jailed for 60 days because of her daughter's
excessive truancy even though the woman was unaware that her two
daughters, 13 and 15, were not showing up at school.
And what says the woman's 25-year-old daughter?
"It's a harsh lesson for them to learn," she said. "There must be
another way of teaching kids a lesson without locking their mother up.
They realize they have done wrong and they are going back to school."
And what says the 15 year-old daughter?
"It wasn't right my mum has been punished for something I did."
(UK Telegraph 14-May-02)
........................................................
Bonehead award four, a "government as good as it gets"
bonehead award goes to the Swaziland government which,
it has been learned, has been running their international
airport for the past 18 months with no control tower, no radar
system, no baggage screening, no instruments to record
wind velocity and direction and hardly any lights for nighttime
landings, so pilots have to land by memory, because the
airport was struck by lightening 18 months ago and electricity
still hasn't been restored. (http://shorterlink.com/?6IIA7S)
............................................................
The last Bonehead award goes to the National Republican
Congressional Committee for naming a Democrat as
"Republican of the Year" and then asking the guy to pay the
bill for it, in case you wondered about how much they check
into the background of those they honor and what they
expect in return.
The NRCC has no explanation for the mix-up but extended
an invitation to California city councilman Tom Palmeri, the
esteemed winner, to switch sides.
(http://www.boston.com/news/daily/21/odds_republican.htm)
..................................................
[And Jerry throws in this candidate for a Darwin Award:]
...To a Green Bay Wisconsin man who, for some sort of sex
jolly, handed his wife a shotgun and told her to point it at his
scrotum and shoot, which she did. He thought the gun wasn't
loaded. He's in critical condition . and out of the gene pool.
============================
[And let's include this item from RandyC (CO)...]
...............................................
WHODUNIT: Deputies at the Livingston County (Mich.) Jail
were a tad suspicious when Heather Rau Quigley, 19, arrived
at 3:15 in the morning to present an order for the release of
her 36-year-old husband. The documents had the word
"tendered" spelled wrong, and calculated a 10 percent posting
on the $10,000 bond as $500. Deputies arrested her on charges
of forging official documents and attempting to aid and abet a
jail escape. Quigley is being held on $25,000 bond, but since there
was
no evidence her husband was involved, he has been released.
(Ann Arbor News) ...[Wife writes writ wrong, ward witnesses
warrant; woman winds up awaiting waterloo while wiseguy walks].
=====================================
[Off a Portland OR newspaper) Jerry L sends.....]
Here are some re-invented words created by making small
changes to create a new word with a new definition.
· Glockoma: Causes a blind eye to be turned to the anti-
hand-gun problem in America.
· Gangreenspan: A constriction of the money supply leading
to necrosis of the economy.
· Irritable Powell Syndrome: A disease of the Colin, causing
meddlesomeness.
· Congresstipation: The inability to eliminate waste in our
federal government.
· Scaliasis: Curvature of the spine that forces the patient
to lean far to the right.
· Gingrichitis: A gum infection caused by biting off more
than you can chew.
· Loopus: Shriveling of ego caused by being left out of
important meetings.
· Starlet Fever: A compulsion to invite celebrities to testify
at congressional hearings.
· Postnasal Tripp: Compulsive snooping, even after rhino-plasty.
· Soft issue damage: Slippage in the polls over a minor policy
matter.
· Nymphoma: Unnatural attraction to interns.
· Barry-Barry: An unmitigated nerve disease.
(The Edge (The Oregonian))
===============================
[More redeeming merit, of sorts. NealO (NJ) writes"]
........................................................
A British complaint letter
(Well, who knows if it's real or not. But you can file it away i
n your personal suggestion box in case you ever need to
compose such a letter! to YOUR phone/cable.co/IRS/etc.
The British do have a way with words. A real-life
customer complaint letter sent to NTL, their Telephone co.... )
"Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
bog in your office:
My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive,
I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated
the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later,
my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%...
hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the
weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made
9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals,
who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have
been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several
other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and
also another one of those crucially important testicle- moments
to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them
at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL,
and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on
my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from
you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to
extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be
replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from
my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -
they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would
feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience
both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats."
[Or... read for the last word... "twits"]
======================================
[JimG (NJ) sends this hot item....]
.......................................................
Sweaty palms
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything
the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,
wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this,
men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her
hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next week,
he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's
wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince
brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds
are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He
too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and
they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were YOU thinking?
==================================
[PaulA (TX) and this hellish political tale, plus.]
........................................................
Hell Right Across the Street
A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated
operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.
Alarmed, he nervously asked:
"Why are the curtains closed? Is it night?"
A nurse replied: "No, it is just that there is a fire across the
street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that
the operation to save your life was unsuccessful."
..............................................
Fire and Water
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend
and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied:
"Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are
you doing here?"
The doctor replied:
"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well,
the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance
proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. He then asked the question that
was troubling him: "Tell me! How do you start a flood?"
[Plus this variant...]
Earth, Air, Fire and Water
Three somewhat unsuccessful business tycoons accidentally
met on the beach in Hawaii. After a string of small talk. They
began to inquire as to the fortunes of the other two.
The first volunteered by saying:
"I know you're both wondering how I got here. That tailor shop
was an unqualified LOOSER FIRST CLASS. Well, to answer
the question that is haunting you, that place was in a flood zone.
However, a tornado came through a wiped it out. The insurance
proceeds brought me here. I haven't decided whether or not to
rebuild and re-open."
The second one took the cue and started off:
"Well, that liquor store was a CERTIFIED DOG. The plumbing
started leaking and just got progressively worse every week.
However, heavy rains came unexpectedly and washed it away.
The insurance payoff was the appropriate end to my story."
The third knew it was his turn. He related his story:
"Well, you both know that small cleaners never did make enough
to support me. The night it burned was really my lucky night.
After the insurance settlement, I decided it was time for a well
earned vacation."
They all congratulated each other for having the foresight to
carry excess property hazard insurance.
But then after a moment of lull in the conversation, the dry
cleaners owner asked the tailor:\
Tell me Larry, how do you start a tornado?"
===================================
[Jet___ (TX) sends this pair]
............................................
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He finished with the
Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominous" - Blessed be mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They commented that the Pope blessed all mankind,
but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon,
the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Hominous et tuti
Feminous" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind
and womankind, and asked if he could also bless 'gay'
people. The Pope said, 'Yes.'
The next day, he concluded his sermon with "Tuti
Homenous et Tuti Feminous et Tuti Fruity."
..................................................
Just as a young man was about to get a chest XRay, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was XRay'd instead.
"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive
organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the now worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your
children will be lawyers!"
=============================
[Paul =A (TX, again) responds with this'n]
................................................
How lawyers think for success
A man went to his lawyer and explained his problem him.
Specifically he said: "My neighbor owes me $500 and he
doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
The first question the lawyer asked was:
"Do you have any proof?"
The prospective client replied: Nope!"
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $2500 he
owes you!"
"But it's only $500," the man replied.
"Exactly! That's what he'll say in the letter back to you.
We can use that as proof that we need to nail him."
...................................................
You Know You're Working Tooo Hard, if...
You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think
of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt".
You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and
"firing people's asses".
You feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure
instead of an expense.
You believe you never have any problems in your life,
just "issues" and "improvement opportunities.".
You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
You give constructive feedback to your dog.
====================================
[Finally, today's golf joke from JimS (NJ)]
....................................................
2 Terrible Lady Golfers
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there
are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we
can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there,
turns around and comes back.
The first guy asks, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy replies, "Small world."
====================================
[And as a kicker....]
What's the difference between a fish and a horny bear?
A fish mucks around a fountain. (Richard Lederer)
==========================
Happy Memorial Day to all, and that'sa 'nuff fer now... Stu]
#074